Monday, February 13, 2012

Like Water Hemlock For Chocolate Zombies

It's fairly obvious to look at and hear me that I've contracted The Plague. I suppose I can count myself lucky that I seem to have stumbled upon the pneumonic form of the plague instead of the bubonic or septicemic versions. I enjoy my nose, ears, fingers, and toes too much, so it's comforting to know they won't be turning black and becoming useless. However, I pretty much can't hear or breathe right now. {cough}

The Walking Dead returned last night. I have yet to watch it, but from the one-minute preview I saw online, I think we need a reminder of the rules governing survival in the zombie apocalypse wasteland. However, that whole brain-to-finger thing isn't working this morning, and my attempts at typing such a list are proving futile. And I'm getting distracted really easily. See, I've been working on this post for an hour with nothing doing. I was compiling a list from various film sources.

The quick version: Travel with a buddy. Make sure they're competent in their fighting abilities. Make sure they can read a map so you don't crash while driving. Bonus if they're the of the opposite sex. Don't get attached in case you have to trip them to give yourself time to get away. Learn how to use a gun. Also, carry a cricket bat. Pool cues just snap after one hit. Stockpile water. Sleep in a high place, preferably a tree, and strap yourself in so you don't fall. Trust no one.

They're all good rules, but some are counter-intuitive. I suppose you could just fake it 'til you make it, if you have to.

Also, how come no one told me there was a new show on AMC called Comic Book Men? Kevin Smith may have burned some bridges and pissed people off with his air travel antics and the marketing job of Red State, but I'd watch that show.

Now...time for some Vick's in the nose and some steam. Then, sleep. Catch you on the flippity flop, yo.

Word to the Nerd


Padded Cell Princess said...

Sorry your body is pretending to die. I hope you feel better soon! Good notes on the Zombie Apocalypse. I really haven't put much thought into it I'm sure this will be very helpful when December of this year comes around ;)

B said...

Sorry you're still feeling crappy, Josh. :-(

I forgot the walking dead was even on until last night before my head hit the pillow. I'll have to catch the latest episode some other time. I'm looking forward to this newest season as long as it isn't so...whatever it was last season. More zombies!

Jen O. said...

But she TRIED to get someone to go with her, but no one would! I can not, however, defend her map reading skillz. I mean, it was ONE ROAD. Why do you need to look at a map when you're driving STRAIGHT?!? And, COME. ON. Gun ON YOU at all times. EVEN when you're in the car. ON. YOUR. PERSON.

Oh, right. You said you don't watch. Pay no attention to me.

Pickleope said...

Sorry you're not feeling well. Can you catch the plague over the internet? I'm curious what you think of Comic Book Men. For me the 1st segment was slow but after that 1st commercial break, I was in. If you come in predisposed to disliking Kevin Smith, of course it's not for you but I'm apathetic either way and enjoyed the show.

Minxy said...

My life will be sorrowfully remiss if I never have to defeld myself against zombies. Thank you for these tips.

Cassie Mae said...

Stop being sick! Haven't you heard that you're not allowed to be sick longer than 5 hours when you're a parent? Knock it off! :)

And as for the zombie apocalypse, I've already told everyone I know that I'm just gonna let myself get eaten or bit. I'd much rather die or be a zombie myself than run for my life. Um, no thanks.

So watch out all of you who have the balls to try to make it through this thing. I'll make sure you're my first targets!

aziasaidwhat said...

There were a few times I wish I couldn't "hear" this weekend. It would be nice to be able to politely ignore someone for a few hours! :) That being said, I'm sorry you are feeling under the weather. Being sick blows. Also, I now have a strange desire to watch Zombieland tonight.

Breann said...

I have a group of friends who have all sat around and planned what we would do in the apocolypse. First is to find an empty house with a fence around it and get it as secure as possible (bonus points for easy access to the roof for keeping an eye out). Aquire a small enough car to get on the bike paths because you know the roads will be blocked with cars. Seriously, we have this totally outlined...

Jeremy Bates said...

thank you for sharing your post

Amy said...

I feel your pain. I went through hell back in Nov. the story of which was published in last week if you want to get a heads up on what your body is up to right now. In short, your white blood cells are a bunch of lazy-asses and you better threaten them now before it is too late.

Christine Rains said...

Hehehe! Great tips for survival. It was a good show last night. I watched the first half of the new comic book guys one, but something was lacking. I don't know. I love comic books and Kevin Smith, but maybe I was too caught up with zombies in my head.

Pearl said...

Are you sure you're sick and not in some pre-zombie incubation state?

I'm just askin'.


DEZMOND said...

your forgot - carry a fireblaster with you all the time. That's what I do during a zombie outbreak.

Samantha said...

I still can't hear or breathe :( Ready for this crap to move on!

Love the Walking Dead, but never get to watch it. Me and Hubby stayed up one night till like 3 a.m watching a marathon of it.

Here's to both of us...hope we get better.

Kato said...

Awww....well I hope you feel better!!

And Kevin Smith is the SHIT! Love that guy. Love everything about him!

Scope said...

Having read the Zombie Survival Guide, one time that isn't in there:

Wear motorcycle leathers for protection. (But not the @$$less chaps.)

Ann said...

Sorry to hear you're sick, get better soon. Too bad one cannot flee from plague like zombies I guess, it would've been sweet to being able to fight it off using a bat - timesaving at least.

Since I'm also on GetGlue, I was aware of Comic Book Men since many of those I follow checked in to it. Dunno if it's good though. Read a good tweet saying "Disappointed that I Sell Comics isn't the theme song".

Feel better!

Mynx said...

Rub Vicks on your feet and drink whiskey. Works for me.

Feel better soon

“Lizard Happy”

Joshua said...

Sorry for not commenting back in real time yesterday. I was pretty much a zombie myself yesterday. Good news is that I found the cure: ibuprofen, nasal decongestant, 1 8-oz Red Bull, and 2 20-oz, 4-minute home-brewed PG Tips with 2 TBSP sugar and some milk. Start stockpiling.

Princess - You've hit on it! The reason the Mayan calendar ends is because that's the day they all come back to life as zombies and ravage the world.

B - I didn't forget, but The Wife and I were playing Lego Harry Potter. Plus, she doesn't like scary stuff.

Jen - Now that I've watched the episode...she's still an idiot.

Pickleope - Not via the Internet, but I can breathe into a mason jar and send it to you, if you like?

Minxy - {hushed tones}mine, too{/hushed tones}

Cassie - My kids are mostly self-sufficient at 4 and 2, so that's good. Plus, play room contains destruction. Also really glad I'm on the other side of the country from you, just in case that outbreak happens. It would take you too long to shuffle your way here. I'd be ready for you.

azia - I really wish Zombieland was on Netflix Instant.

Breann - Excellent ideas. Note to self: buy smartcar.

Jeremy - You got it, dude.

Amy - My white blood cells have always been lazy bastards. I guess, if it ever came down to it, should someone challenge my laziness, I could retort with, "I can't help it; it's in my blood. Literally."

Christine - I'll catch Comic Book Guys before I watch next week.

Pearl - Just for that, you're first.

DEZ - I don't know. Zombie barbecue running at me seems worse. Get a shotgun, aim for the legs so they have to crawl, get safe distance, shoot in head, run. If multiple zombies are in pursuit, place several shots low to the ground, some will trip up the rest, run like hell. I should start a training program.

Sam - It migrated to my left ear yesterday and won't leave. Feels like I'm being stabbed in the eardrum.

Kato - He is the shit.

Scope - Excellent point.

Ann - Not until Professor Farnsworth gets that shrink ray (Season 3, Episode 2: "Parasites Lost") fixed.

Mynx - I'll be drunk and with slippery feet? So a concussion is the cure for this cold?

Smedette said...

I had some plague a few weeks ago. Nasty shit. I hope you feel better soon.

As for zombies, I'm hoping to bribe my way out of that one. I'm going to be utterly useless.

Cora said...

Well, having had to fight off my skeevy ex-husband's inappropriate advances for years, I would think my zombie ass kicking skillz are pretty sharp. No worries there.

As for the Plague? Sounds brutal. I hope you're better soon. ((((sanitary hugs))))

Joshua said...

Smedette - Bribe? How?

Cora - Carry a pair of stiletto heels. Not to wear, but to stab. I guess it could work for the zombies, too...

Stephanie D said...

Feel better!!!! You need some matzo ball soup!

Cassie Mae said...

You have a four and two year old? What a coincidence! Me too :)

Joshua said...

Stephanie - Damn...I might make some tonight. I have everything already. Unless I make the broth myself, then all I need are parsnips, turnips, and leek. If it didn't take 2-3 hours, I'd be there.

Cassie - What are the odds?! :oP

DEZMOND said...

no,no, a shotgun is just to noisy for me, I prefer a subtle and elegant zombie barbecue. Clean and nobody hears you and you can catch more zombies with one blast.

Joshua said...

DEZ - I see your point. Could you point that barbecuer toward Shane when next you see him? That would be great. And, hey...if you wait until he and Andrea are joined at the hip (if you know what I mean), a two-for-one special.